Tag Archives: friendship

Love Your Enemies: A Blueprint for Civil Disagreement

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In Love Your Enemies, Arthur C. Brooks offers a bold diagnosis and antidote to America’s bitter polarization, the “culture of contempt.” Drawing from behavioral science, ancient moral teachings, and his own tenure as president of the American Enterprise Institute (AEI), Brooks crafts a compelling argument that we can disagree without despising one another – and in fact, we must.

The Problem: America’s “Culture of Contempt”

Brooks opens the book by framing the moment: political polarization is no longer just about disagreement; it’s about disdain. People on opposite sides of the political spectrum often don’t believe their opponents are merely wrong – they believe they are evil, stupid, or dangerous. Brooks calls this the culture of contempt – a toxic blend of anger and disgust.

Quoting behavioral research from scholars like John Gottman, Brooks highlights that contempt is the most corrosive emotion in human relationships. Gottman’s work, originally focused on marriages, shows that contempt – not conflict – is the most accurate predictor of divorce. Transposing this insight to the public square, Brooks argues that contempt is driving our civic divorce. “When people treat each other with contempt,” he writes, “they can’t persuade each other; they can’t even listen.”

The issue, according to Brooks, is not disagreement itself. In fact, as a former classical musician turned economist and social scientist, Brooks thrives on healthy debate. What’s killing us is the way we disagree.

A Personal Pivot: From Conflict to Connection

As the long-time leader of AEI, a free-market think tank known for its conservative bent, Brooks spent years speaking on contentious topics in deeply liberal environments. He recounts a turning point: after a lecture, a progressive protester confronted him, saying, “I came here to hate you.” But she didn’t. After hearing Brooks talk about “moral consensus” rather than ideological conquest, she admitted surprise.

Moments like this seeded the central thesis of the book: we can stand for what we believe without hating those who believe differently. Brooks’s leadership at AEI was marked by his insistence that ideological diversity not devolve into tribal warfare. He championed policies he believed in – school choice, market-based reforms, opportunity for the marginalized – but insisted they be articulated with respect and humility.

This tone – firm on convictions, gentle in posture – is the very “radical kindness” Brooks urges readers to adopt.

Five Rules to Subvert the Culture of Contempt

Brooks structures the core of the book around five rules for fighting back against contempt:

  1. Stand Up to the Man, Join a Countercultural Movement
    Brooks encourages readers to reject the media and political class that profit from outrage. He draws on research showing that conflict-driven media creates dopamine loops similar to addiction. The solution is to become a “happy warrior” – someone who stands firm in beliefs but refuses to be baited by negativity.
  2. Escape the Bubble
    Drawing from Robert Cialdini’s principles of influence, Brooks shows how homogenous social networks create ideological echo chambers that amplify contempt. He urges intentional friendship across divides and warns against “motive attribution asymmetry” – the belief that our side is driven by love and their side by hate.
  3. Say No to Contempt
    This section integrates both science and Stoicism. Brooks cites psychologist Paul Bloom’s work on empathy and explains how controlling emotional responses is essential to civic virtue. He then invokes Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius to illustrate that we don’t have to be slaves to our reactions. “You always have the power,” he writes, “to choose your response.”
  4. Disagree Better, Not Less
    Rather than avoid conflict, Brooks argues for better conflict – constructive disagreement that sharpens minds and broadens perspectives. He borrows from behavioral economics to show how people are more persuadable when treated with dignity. Citing economist Jonathan Haidt, he explains how moral foundations theory helps people understand why others believe what they believe.
  5. Tune Out: Disconnect More from Unhealthy Media and Social Media
    In this rule, Brooks is practical. He critiques the monetization of outrage and the algorithmic addiction of social platforms. Quoting studies from the Pew Research Center and MIT, he shows how false information spreads faster than truth – especially when it stokes tribal emotion. His advice: take regular “media fasts” to recalibrate your emotional baseline.

Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Neuroscience

One of the book’s distinctive features is how seamlessly Brooks blends ancient wisdom with contemporary science. He draws heavily from Christian teachings – especially the Sermon on the Mount and Jesus’ injunction to “love your enemies” – but also from Buddhist compassion practices and Jewish ethics.

He also relies on modern cognitive science to reinforce those insights. For example, research from UCLA’s Matthew Lieberman on social pain shows that rejection and contempt light up the same brain regions as physical injury. In other words, contempt hurts in a neurological sense.

The implication: if we care about human dignity, we must reject contempt – even when it’s fashionable.

A Joyful Revolution

The next-to-last chapter is among the most hopeful. In it, Brooks explores the relationship between friendship and disagreement, and illustrates it with the unlikely friendship of two Princeton University professors whose similarities end there. Their friendship is not predicated on finding ares of agreement or avoiding conflict – “it requires disagreement, based on a shared quest for what is good and true and lifts up others.”

Brooks wants to build a movement of people who model persuasive disagreement without moral grandstanding. He knows this is hard – it requires spiritual and emotional maturity. But he believes it’s possible, and indeed, urgent.

Evaluation: Why It Matters Now

Love Your Enemies is a timely, cogent, and personally vulnerable call to rehumanize our public discourse. It’s not a treatise on centrism or a plea for milquetoast moderation. Brooks argues for passionate conviction – rooted in dignity rather than disdain.

The book’s strength lies in its multi-dimensionality. It is part memoir, part social science, part moral philosophy. For readers fatigued by the venom of the culture wars, Brooks offers a roadmap to principled civility. He never asks readers to give up their values; he challenges them to live those values in a way that actually changes minds.

Brooks writes as a former insider to ideological power, but now sees that love – not victory – as the more transformative goal.

Part of a regular series on 27gen, entitled Wednesday Weekly Reader.

During my elementary school years one of the things I looked forward to the most was the delivery of “My Weekly Reader,” a weekly educational magazine designed for children and containing news-based current events.

It became a regular part of my love for reading, and helped develop my curiosity about the world around us.

The Laws of Connection: A Deep Dive into Human Relationships

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Social connection is as essential for our health and happiness as a balanced diet and regular exercise. It reduces our risk of stroke, heart disease, and Alzheimer’s. It enhances our creativity and adds years to our life span. Yet many of us struggle to form strong and meaningful bonds – and the problem lies not with our personalities but with a series of cognitive biases that stop us from fulfilling our social potential.

In The Laws of Connection, award-winning science writer David Robson describes the psychological barriers that lead us to keep others at a distance and offers evidence-based strategies to overcome them.

Drawing on philosophy, neuroscience, and cutting-edge psychology, Robson introduces readers to new concepts such as the liking gap, the novelty penalty, the fast-friendship procedure, the beautiful mess effect, and the Japanese art of amae (a Japanese term used to describe acting like a spoiled child). Whether we are shy or confident, introvert or extrovert, we can all build deeper relationships. The Laws of Connection shows us how.

David Robson’s The Laws of Connection is a captivating exploration of the science behind human relationships. Drawing on a wealth of psychological research, Robson delves into the cognitive biases and social barriers that can hinder our ability to connect with others. The book offers a compelling argument that strong social connections are essential for our well-being, challenging the notion that our personality traits are fixed determinants of our social success.

At the heart of Robson’s argument is the idea that our thought processes and behaviors play a crucial role in shaping our relationships. He introduces various cognitive biases that can inadvertently sabotage our social interactions. For instance, the “liking gap” refers to our tendency to underestimate how much others like us, while the “novelty penalty” suggests that we may be less likely to form bonds with people who are too similar to us.

The book also explores the concept of the “beautiful mess effect,” which highlights the importance of embracing imperfections in our relationships. Rather than striving for idealized connections, Robson argues that it is often the messy, imperfect moments that strengthen our bonds.

In addition to cognitive biases, Robson discusses the social barriers that can hinder our ability to connect with others. These barriers include fear of rejection, lack of self-confidence, and cultural differences. The book provides practical strategies for overcoming these challenges and fostering deeper connections.

One of the key themes in The Laws of Connection is the power of intentional connection. Robson emphasizes that building strong relationships requires effort and conscious attention. He introduces techniques such as the “fast-friendship procedure” and the “disclosure reciprocity effect” to help readers forge deeper bonds with others.

The fast-friendship procedure involves asking a series of personal questions to create a sense of intimacy and connection. The disclosure reciprocity effect suggests that we are more likely to open up to others if they first share personal information with us.

Throughout the book, Robson provides compelling examples and anecdotes to illustrate his points. He draws on research from various fields, including psychology, sociology, and neuroscience, to support his arguments.

Here are Robson’s Laws of Connection:

  1. Be consistent in your treatment of others. Avoid becoming a stressful frenemy.
  2. Create a mural understanding with the people you met.
  3. Ignore superficial similarities and instead focus on your internal world, and the peculiar ways that your thoughts and feelings coincide. Trust that others, on average, will like you as much as you like them, and be prepared to practice your social skills to build your social confidence.
  4. Check your assumptions; engage in ‘perspective/getting rather than ‘perspective-taking’ to avoid egocentric thinking and misunderstandings.
  5. In conversation, demonstrate active attention, engage in self-disclosure, and avoid the novelty penalty, to build mutual understanding and contribute to the merging of our minds.
  6. Praise people generously, but be highly specific in your words of appreciation.
  7. Be open about your vulnerabilities, and value honesty over kindness (but practice both, if possible).
  8. Do not fear envy. Disclose your successes but be accurate in your statements and avoid comparing yourself to others. Enjoy ‘confelicity’.
  9. Ask for help when you need it, in the expectation that your pleas for support can build a stronger long-term bond.
  10. Offer emotional support to those in need, but do not force it upon them. Validate their feelings while providing an alternative perspective on their problems.
  11. Be civil and curious in disagreements; show interest in the other side’s viewpoint; share personal experiences; and translate your opinions into their moral language.
  12. For your wellbeing, choose forgiveness over spite. Look at the big picture in arguments. Ensure your apologies define the offense, take responsibility for your actions, and express regret. Have faith that people can change for the better.
  13. Reach out to the people who are missing in your life. Let them know that they are still a part of your thoughts.

Overall, The Laws of Connection is a thought-provoking and informative book that provides valuable insights into the science of human connection. It is a must-read for anyone interested in improving their relationships and understanding the psychological factors that influence our social interactions.

Beyond its practical applications, the book also offers a deeper understanding of the human condition. Robson’s exploration of the science of connection sheds light on the fundamental need for social connection and the ways in which we can cultivate meaningful relationships.

The Laws of Connection is a valuable resource for anyone seeking to improve their social lives and build stronger relationships. It offers practical strategies, thought-provoking insights, and a deeper understanding of the science behind human connection

Part of a regular series on 27gen, entitled Wednesday Weekly Reader.

During my elementary school years one of the things I looked forward to the most was the delivery of “My Weekly Reader,” a weekly educational magazine designed for children and containing news-based current events.

It became a regular part of my love for reading, and helped develop my curiosity about the world around us.