This Valentine’s Day brings another reminder to Anita and I that we are well into the second half of marriage. For starters, we celebrated 45 years of marriage in December.

Next, over the last six weeks, we found ourselves providing care for each other as first I spent 17 days in the hospital, culminating in surgery on January 10. Then, in a show of togetherness, Anita spent 3 days in the hospital, ending up with the identical surgery exactly a month later on February 10.

If that’s not love…

It may be a fact (sadly) that our bodies are getting a little bit older, and in need of care, but I choose to take the optimistic road and say this DOES NOT make us old! 

We spent the Christmas holidays with 21 of us spending five days together. It took our house and an Airbnb down the street, but we had a wonderful, crazy time together. 10 adults, 11 children, and two dogs – we ended the holidays tired in every sense of the word but-oh-so happy.

As you can read about it here and here, Anita and I had a great time planning, preparing, and pulling the 2024 #AdamsFamilyExperience Christmas off.

As the last family left (I was already in the hospital), Anita came to visit and we both slept the afternoon away. When we woke up, we both made a remark to the tune of, “We’re absolutely worn out – when can we do it again?”

With all that said, our marriage relationship is changing. Yes, we will be doting grandparents to 11 grandchildren; yes, we will still be involved in our four children’s lives; yes, we anticipate lots of changes as they all grow up. 

But slowly, surely, we are discovering that we are moving into a season that is more partner-focused than child-focused.

Just what will that mean? Maybe some of the following:

• Maximizing individual strengths for the benefit of both of us
• Finding time to be companions
• Understanding that compatibility doesn’t always mean agreement
• Continually adjusting to each other
• Striving to be partner focused
• Share rather than divide
• Make creative use of conflict
• Work hard at communicating
• Commitment to continued growth

So here it is Valentine’s Day and I am so thankful that I have the blessing of being married to Anita and sharing it with her. I am grateful for our first half of marriage and celebrations, but I’m excited about our second half!

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How can you make the second half of your marriage better than the first?

Loosely defined, the second half of marriage comes when your kids have left home; it may also be marked by decisions a couple is making about their parent’s health and lifestyle.

We’ve had both in the past few years. 

As is my practice, I found a great resource to help this journey: David and Claudia Arp’s wonderful book The Second Half of Marriage. In their own words, here are eight strategies that will help every long-term couple make the most of their marriage:

1. Let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best. Are you willing to let go of unmet expectations and unrealistic dreams? Or your mate’s little irritating habits that don’t seem to be disappearing? Giving up lost dreams and overlooking each other’s imperfections are positive steps toward forgiving past hurts and moving on in your marriage.
2. Create a marriage that is partner-focused rather than child-focused. The tendency, once the kids leave, is to focus on new activities rather than on each other, but these activities can keep you from crafting a more intimate relationship. Try to focus more time and attention on your spouse.
3. Maintain effective communication that allows you to express your deepest feelings, joys and concerns. Sometimes what worked when the kids were home doesn’t work as well now that the kids are gone. After all, you always had the children to talk about. Now that it’s just the two of you, you might need to upgrade your communication skills.
4. Use anger and conflict creatively to build your relationship. With the kids gone, many couples find that issues they assumed were resolved resurface. Certain negative patterns of interaction that developed over the years can be deadly for an empty-nest marriage. Learn how to deal with issues and process anger in ways that build your relationship.
5. Build a deeper friendship and enjoy your spouse. Now is a great time to deepen your friendship with each other and stretch your boundaries to prevent boredom. Think of ways to put more fun in your marriage.
6. Renew romance and restore a pleasurable sexual relationship. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex, but our survey results suggest otherwise. The quality of your love life is not so much a matter of performance as it is an integral part of the relationship. Take care of your health and renew romance even while acknowledging the inevitable changes that come with aging.
7. Adjust to changing roles with aging parents and adult children. Release your children, then reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time, your relationship with your parents may need a little altering, too. The effort you expend in forging better relationships with loved ones on both ends of the generational seesaw is well worth it.
8. Evaluate where you are on your spiritual pilgrimage. Research indicates that most people, as they age and consider death, become more religious because they think more about what it all means. Why not consider this time of transition as an opportunity to talk more openly and regularly about your relationship with Christ: what it means, why it matters, and what it means for your marriage? Take time to serve others, too, and pass along some of the wisdom you have gained.

We’re approaching the second half of marriage as a time of learning about each other and about God’s long-term plans for our marriage. And a time of building together – sharing dreams, making commitments, and working towards a more satisfying union.

It’s day 16,506 for Anita and me – and our journey together continues!

Happy Valentines Day, Anita!